I have always prided myself on being so very self aware. My own person, no desire to be “trendy”. Comfortable in my skin, fine with whatever cards I’ve been dealt.
what a crock of shit.
Yeah sure, I still don’t need to follow trends or gain anyone’s approval…but I am so not comfortable in this skin, and those cards? they suck. I’ve been pretending for so long. Probably since puberty, but who knows. Being so completely off balance, down to my core, I could never articulate it…but I can now- and I sure as hell WILL.
As I look around at the piles of crap taking over this already small house, it hits me. These piles, this mess, it’s the tangible, visible representation of my totally out-of-whack hormones. The upheaval that my body has been dealing with for at least the past 20 years. It’s the
cry scream for help that I’ve been listening for.
As a child, my bedroom cleanliness went thru phases: messy when I was too young to know better, stubbornly trashed when my mother remarried and I had a hard time adjusting to our new blended family. It was kept tidy once I hit high school, I was happy and honestly enjoyed those 4 years. In those days, my period was erratic, but I didn’t yet feel so…broken.
Now here we are today: married for nearly 13 years, still longing for the child that I may never conceive. I’ve tried to fill that spare room, that little room that would be the nursery if the cards in my hand were different. I’ve taken up countless hobbies, I’ve purchased needless home decor. I’ve tried to fill the void in my womb and all these spaces only to create an overwhelming mess, perpetuating the cycle.
The mess stresses me out -> cortisol stays raised -> feel worse -> retail “therapy” for useless items -> piles grow -> stress increases, etc.
My hormones have gotten so screwed up that I’ve reached the point of just not giving a shit about any of it. It’s easier to just go to bed and block it all out.
But then, I came across Dr. Sara Gottfried and her books: “The Hormone Cure” and “The Hormone Reset Diet” …I read the first in almost 1 sitting, only pausing to let my brain catch up and process. I’ve read enough of the second to get started and will continue to read as I work through the Reset. I highly recommend, if you feel (or know) that your hormone levels aren’t where they should be, READ HER STUFF. She put words to exactly what I’ve tried to describe all these years, explained it in such wonderful detail. Finally, someone has done it, and it all makes so much sense that I cried tears of joy.
The title of my blog has never been more appropriate. Into the wilderness I go, listening intently to my intuition.