timing is everything.

Okay, so I know that my water could break before I even hit publish on this post…but I don’t think it will.

A thought occurred to me at some point in the night and I woke up with a renewed sense of calm about when this baby will make her grand arrival. You see, I’ve never really believed in coincidence, instead I choose to believe that there is always a reason and a season for everything.

At this exact time of April, 5 years ago, my family was practically living in the waiting area of a hospital ICU unit. We were waiting for a sign, waiting for a life to return to us. A big life. A life that wasn’t supposed to be taken so tragically… or maybe it was, we’ll find out someday. I did notice that this year is the first time that the dates of month line up perfectly with what they were then.

We’ve all continued on with life in our own ways since then, some hit rock bottom, some have carried hope for everyday. Some have just kept on keeping on. I’m a mix of those last 2. I can still clearly remember those first few hours at the hospital, hearing my mom and aunt talk about “tomorrow, when we’re back home…” “once they get him sorted out and we’re back at home…”, etc. and I knew even then, I knew in my heart that “home” would never be the same. I knew that he wasn’t going to survive the ordeal. But, I kept my mouth shut. I let hope fill the space between us as we waited to hear what would happen next. What happened was helicopter transport to the nearest trauma hospital. What happened was hearts began to break.

What followed was ten long days of that ICU waiting room and visitors and beeping machines. But, never another word from him. We finally let him go on April 21st.

In 4 days we’ll wake up and it’ll be exactly 5 years since we gave him his peace and turned off those incessant machines. In 4 days, we’ll wake up 1 day after I am induced…with the very real possibility that my daughter who we thought was “due” on April 13th, was actually meant to be born on April 21st all along. Why after exactly 5 years? We’ll just add that to the list of life’s questions.

All I know is that the birth of an unexpected miracle baby lining up with the unexpected death of a much-loved man makes for a beautiful, bittersweet stitch in this fabric of time.

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